Personal observations on the process and state of grief upon the loss of a parent or spouse, or maybe worse yet, a child:
Grief is like standing on the beach just in the surf-line where most of the waves lap up and tickle our toes and encompass your foot. As the wave recedes we can feel the sand erode from under our feet and sense that if we stood there long enough, the beach would altogether cover us up.
Now and again a wave comes in as an ankle slapper and we get surprised but not too worried at the sensations. Then an outsider comes and we are standing up to our thighs in the ocean and we feel like we’ll be pulled out to sea. And so we sob quietly but manage to recover on our own though the emptiness leaves us hungering for another day with our loved one.
Then there is the rogue wave. The ones we hear about that come unexpected and wash people out to sea because they weren’t being vigilant while going about their day on the beach or sitting on the jetty letting their minds wonder. The wave takes us out, off the beach and into a surf so roiled as we feel we may drown. We need help, a lifeguard to show up in his rescue dory or maybe in a Baywatch boat. We need them to pull us in and take us to safety.
Let
the toe ticklers do their work. Let the ankle slappers have their way. Be wary
of the outsiders and stand firm. Let the lifeguards to their job and bring us
in when the rogue wave crashes over us and tosses us about. If you don’t see
them, call out and someone will come for you.
Author’s Notes:
During the past
six months my family has endured the loss of both my parents, first my dad
early in September 2020 and then my mom ten weeks later in November. Neither
was the result of covid-19 and the path we followed starting this last July was
shocking and unexpected, almost violent. No, certainly violent to our souls.
While traveling the path of grief I have on occasion written a piece about each of my parent and put up various Facebook posts on the sensations of grief and loss. I took the first motorcycle ride with friends since this all began for me and we ended up at Duke’s Malibu for lunch out in their patio dining area. The above piece came to me while enjoying discussions ranging from home sales riding and what the future has in store for us as we learn to contend with the pandemic. We did not speak about my loss and grief but the waves coming up on the rocks below us and the vast Pacific Ocean stretching out in front of us spoke clearly to me.
Putting up the
above observations as a Facebook post generated good discussion points and a
great deal of sympathetic replies. One such reply came from my friend Lisa
Brickner, a practicing psychologist. She suggested that with so many people in
isolation and experiencing the ravages of loneliness that I should submit the
writing to newspapers, something I’ve never done. Once I put this post up on Calvary’s Thread I will heed the advice
of the professional and submit it somehow to our various local papers and
perhaps to the Grants Pass Daily Courier
where I will shortly be sending the obituary for my parents.
As a Christian, I
have the additional benefit of The Great Lifeguard, Jesus Christ, and his
followers.
I am no
professional, simply a man in grief feeling his way along the surf line.
